Feeling single

Today I feel very "single." Last night I had a really rough meeting and came home in tears. Actually, I didn't come home in tears ... I went to my office at church at just sat in my office chair and cried and then worked for about an hour before I went home. There was nothing to go home to ... no one to help me work through the emotions, no one to just hug me (even if I didn't want to talk about it), no one to just support me. It made me mad ... why do I have to go through this life alone? Why would God not fulfill this prayer/wish/dream/desire of mine? (Believe me I have asked God for this for YEARS!)

Today was ok -- I had breakfast with a very good friend who listened, but then the rest of my day just went on as "professional" as it could be ... and I had no one to help cheer me up. I'm doing ok, but I would love someone to just be a cheerleader for me ... to be my main contact person to know what is going on in my life. I feel like I carry all of this stuff on my own and I can share parts of it with some people, but ultimately, I carry it alone. It get can old and very lonely.

I know that there are parts of being single that I really love -- like tonight, I was so exhausted from everything this week, that I accidentally took a nap from 7:30-9:30pm -- no idea how that happened! But, when I did wake up (even though I was shocked at the time), I didn't feel guilty ... I had no one to care for (children), no one wanting to hang out with me ... I could do my own thing, and that is really nice. But this week, I would have traded all of that in for someone to be my mate -- to love me and for me to love him through life's ups and downs.

How do I stay upbeat and keep enjoying life fully when I have this desire in my life that is unfulfilled ... and yet, I have no desire to be desperate or solely focused on this aspect of my life? I have tried the internet dating, the blind dates, the initiatives ... and yet nothing works. Do you have any ideas?

Aunt Sue

I always assumed I would have children of my own. As a single, 39 year old woman, it's looking quite doubtful that this dream will ever come to fruition. Yes, at times, it makes me very, very sad. I have grieved this loss in my life and I'm sure I will continue to grieve it at times in the future.

But one thing that gives me deep joy is my ability to be an aunt to my 7 nieces and nephews. Tonight I had Ryan (17), Kayla (15), and Bryce (12) over for pizza and games. We always have fun and tonight as we played "Trouble," there was screaming, jumping up and down, yelling, and just plain fun. It was crazy to see these "older" kids get so into a simple board game like "Trouble," yet it was a blast for all of us. The kids are also so good to me -- they helped me load up my trunk tonight to get ready for my 5 week road trip tomorrow -- no complaints, no problem. Kayla took down my laundry out on the clothesline; Ryan helped me put my bicycle down in my basement; Bryce ran my spare key down the block to my friends. They are good kids and I appreciate the fun relationship we have.


I'm looking forward to the coming week when I'll see my other 4 nieces and nephews who live in Indiana and Kentucky. On Monday, I'm taking Ava (6) and Elena (3) to the Indianapolis Zoo. Next Saturday I'm taking Alison (15) and Trey (8) to Kentucky Kingdom (amusement park). I have my car filled with gifts for all of them and look forward to playing lots more games and laughing lots in the next week.


I'm grateful that I can invest a lot of time in my nieces and nephews. I know this is one blessing of not having children of my own, even though I wish I could have my own children. But as with many things in life, we make the best of what we are given. If I can't have my own children, I'm so grateful that God has blessed me with wonderful nieces and nephews.

What are you doing?

Every so often, people ask me what I'm doing during all of my "free time" during sabbatical. Tonight my sore muscles are reminding me that I don't do enough physical labor in my job as pastor. Since I started sabbatical, I have been working on and off on my back staircase. It has always been an eye sore in the house, but because it is not seen much, I have worked on other projects. Well, sabbatical seemed like the perfect time to work on this -- though I knew nothing about stripping wood, staining, etc. So I did some research, talked to people, talked to folks at Home Depot, got some pamphlets, and got to work.

My good friend, Marlis, always reminds me to take before and after pictures whenever you do home projects. The before picture is one view of my kitchen before I did any work to it.


In the past 18 months, I have re-painted the walls (you can see I was trying to determine which color to put over the ugly pale green paint that was there), got new flooring, got an island for the microwave, replaced the sink, countertops, hardware, new range and fridge. Needless to say, the place looks totally different ... but today, I'm most proud of the steps!


The project isn't totally finished -- I still have to do some touch up painting on the walls around the steps. And there are 4 steps that I'm still not satisfied with yet that I'll work on when I return from my time at AMBS ... but for now, I'm feeling quite proud of my project. After stripping 4 layers of paint (yes, I wore a mask -- I'm sure there was some strong lead paint in there), I'm grateful to see the bare wood with some stain on it.

Successfully silent

I did it! So many people, including myself, never thought I could do a 6-day silent retreat ... but I did. And I'm here to tell you that it was one of the most fantastic experiences of my life!

My retreat took place at St. Mary's by the Sea -- a retreat center owned by the Sisters of St. Joseph . It is right on the beach at Cape May Point, NJ . Although the building isn't air-conditioned and the rooms are like small dorm rooms, it was a wonderful setting. There were about 130 women on silent retreat with me (about 110 of them were Catholic nuns), so in many ways, this made it easier. No one was talking! There were rocking chairs that lined the decks of the retreat center, overlooking the ocean, so one could sit and watch the ocean (and dolphins) for hours. I spent 2-5 hours on the beach each day. There were also hiking trails nearby, bikes we could borrow and ride around the cape, and long walks to take on the beach.

Each day I met with a spiritual director for 35 minutes to discuss how I was experiencing God. The second day of retreat, she encouraged me not to read any books (except the Bible) that day. I told her I'd be bored. She said, "God has enough to say to you that I don't think you'll be bored." I tried it -- and it was unbelievable. I really did have wonderful conversations with God!

With my spiritual director guidance, I dealt with some of my anger at God (mostly in response to my singleness). It felt good to deal with that with God. And I also was able to find some deep peace with God, especially in regards to thinking about my future. I found that as the week went by, I had less and less desire to read the pile of books/magazines I brought from home, and desired more to listen with God and journal. I couldn't believe how connected I felt with God when I tuned out all the other "noise" in my life. And "noise" isn't just talking ... but email, other books, texting, phone, TV, music. It's amazing how quickly we fill our ears/minds with things that prevent us from listening to God.

I realized that God has so much to say to us, if we just listen.

Since coming home, it's been a bit of a culture shock -- but I'm doing well. I don't find myself talking any more or less as a result of my experience, but I do find myself missing the time that I had there. How quickly it is to fall into our old patterns. But, I do find myself each day, stopping and anxiously listening to God. I've stopped doing most of the talking ... God has heard me for 39 years ... now it's time I shut up and listen to God.

Preparing for silence

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a quiet person.... probably just the opposite. So, why on earth am I going on a week long silent retreat? I'm not sure I can fully explain it, but I'll try.

Over the past 2 years, I have desired to focus more on listening to God. I haven't always made time for it like I should, so I wanted to spend a week of my sabbatical focusing specifically on this. Two women in my church, whom I greatly admire, have spent time at this retreat center (which, did I mention?, is right on the beach!) and have found it amazing, if not life changing. I'm just really curious what God might have to say to me -- and so I want to make time for it. I don't know any other time in my life when I would take a whole week to just go and be in silence -- so I figured sabbatical was it!

Plus, I'm excited about the challenge. Sure, I don't think I could do a silent retreat if I were going to some boring, ugly place with a bunch of my friends ... but I won't know any one at St. Mary's by the Sea, and a week at the beach -- well, I think this might just be possible. (And each day I will meet with a spiritual director -- one of the nuns -- to talk about what is happening, so I will talk a bit each day.)

I also have a lot of things swirling within me -- spiritually, personally, and professionally. I don't know where any of these things are exactly leading, but I really believe that God has a lot to say to me this coming week, so I hope I can take it all in. I truly believe this is coming at a perfect time for me to just relax and listen.

I've decided not to blog or facebook or such while on my retreat, so we'll see if I can manage. I'll be sure to give you a full report when I return ... that is, if I feel like talking!:)

Defining success

Tonight I hosted one of my favorite people, Sandy Smoker, at my house for supper. Sandy & met 2 years ago at a leadership retreat. We have become good friends over the past 2 years, getting together monthly. Sandy is an HR director and is 12 years older than me. We have different life experiences which adds so much to our already natural compatibility.

Sandy asked a question tonight that is interesting to ponder: "How do we determine success in life?" It may be in parenting, marriage, career, a sermon, a pie, a clean house, a new outfit ... but how do we decide if we are successful? And who decides that? Sandy and I have discussed before that one nice thing about being students was that we were constantly getting evaluative feedback, and since both of us were/are good students, it was a constant feeling of success. But now, how do we define success? I don't know -- yet I know it is still important -- at least for me.

Yesterday, before preaching at University Mennonite Church in State College (where I attended from 1996-98 while in grad school), I saw Todd Davis (a former colleague of mine at Goshen College. Todd is an English professor at Penn State now and a really good guy. I was surprised to see his family there, as I didn't know he was now teaching at PSU). After my sermon, Todd and his wife came up to me and Todd said, "You are an amazing preacher! You have really found your calling. When you left teaching at GC, I was really sad, because I thought, 'she's such a good teacher and this isn't the best thing for the students' ... but now that I see what you are doing and why you left, this is definitely the right thing for you to be doing." Then he told me, "Dave Miller (the former pastor at UMC) is a really good preacher ... but I would say, you are just as good as he is." To me, that was a huge compliment, as I know what a good preacher Dave is.

Todd's words of affirmation were very genuine and sincere. And they meant a lot to me. Maybe that's why yesterday I felt such a strong sense of emotion in my role as pastor. It felt good to preach again, to be in a public role, to be in leadership, having had 3 weeks off. Yet, there are many days in my pastoral work, that I don't know if I did anything valuable. I find during my sabbatical, so many of my "to do" list projects are "product-producing," meaning, I have a tangible ending product: baking bread, stripping my back stairway, getting my photo albums up-to-date. These are all things that I enjoy doing, but I am realizing that I'm enjoying them even more right now as I can see concrete results (and thus, some success.) How do we continue to find success is our lives -- even if we don't have tangible markers for that? And how will I continue to find time for tangible, product-producing projects when I return to pastoring full time?

Just a delightfully perfect day

I try to get together with my mentor/friend, Mim Book, as often as possible. It usually is every 2-3 months. We typically each drive half-way and meet at a restaurant. Today I told her I would drive to her home, since I have more time these days with sabbatical. She lives about 1 1/2 hours away. I arrived at her home around 10:15am and we had a wonderful visit until 12:45pm. We laughed, talked, shared deeply, and encouraged each other. Mim has been such a wonderful support and inspiration in my life. As I was with her today, I wondered if I can be such a role model for younger women in the way that Mim is for me. How do we create those relationships or do they just happen?

After thoroughly enjoying my time with Mim, I went shopping at Macy's and got some fantastic deals (clearance racks rock ... plus coupons ... and gift cards!), then got my favorites at Trader Joe's (multigrain pita chips and multigrain pancake mix), and then met my good friend, Stevie Kriss, at California Pizza Kitchen. I've NEVER eaten there before! We had a great time and after our late lunch, went to IKEA. I wisely went on the IKEA website earlier this week and made a list of what I wanted. I was so proud of myself -- I spent less that $52 at IKEA!! Plus, shopping with Stevie was fun too.

I drove home to Lancaster and as I drove home realized what an absolutely fantastic day I had. Sure, some of it had to do with shopping at my favorite stores (I won't deny that), but most of it had to do with spending time with really good friends -- the kind that know you so well, you don't have to explain things ... and you can just laugh and laugh together about stupid things. And yet, they push you on things that you yourself are sometimes scared to consider. And most of all, they love you for exactly who you are. If that doesn't bring joy to our lives ... well, then, nothing else will! Today I give thanks for the deep joy of friendships.

A day of errands

Today I was a bit lonely. I was proud of myself for getting up at a good hour and going for a robust 2 mile walk. Today was a day of errand running -- getting the brakes checked at Midas (which were in good shape, thank goodness!), Target, Wal-Mart, grocery store, ATM, etc. It felt good to get a lot crossed off my to do list, but I also find that my challenge is when I do such errands, I spend money. I'm not necessarily saying I spend tons of money -- and it's all stuff that is acceptable and somewhat necessary (today it was toilet paper, vitamins, red yeast rice capsules, a lamp for my living room, pencil case, glue, cleaning supplies, Turkey Hill iced tea, 2 t-shirts) ... but when I'm not busy with work, I can find myself spending money. I have wondered how I would feel if I were in a marriage & didn't work outside of the home, but still spent money ... I'm feeling that a bit these days, even though I'm still making money. So this evening, I went to work on my back stairway -- my paint stripping project keeps me busy (and slightly frustrated) but I like seeing the progress, even if I'm not sure it will turn out exactly how I hope.

Sabbatical thoughts

My congregation is so generous ... after 4 years of ministry, I have been granted a 3 month sabbatical. I have just completed the first 2 weeks and have learned a number of things already:

1. Waking up on Sunday mornings is totally different as a pastor than a regular church attender.
2. Saturdays are also totally different as a pastor than a regular church attender (and this goes for those weeks that I'm not preaching too.)
3. I was surprised that I missed my own church service this Sunday morning ... even though I was looking forward to experiencing some new worship settings during sabbatical.
4. It is a real gift to be able to be away from home for 10 days and then look forward to coming home WITHOUT having to return to work immediately.
5. I'm not sure I could be happy without having a career outside of the home (yet I sure do enjoy having time to do projects around the house, meet friends for lunch, and hanging out with my nieces/nephews and friends.)
6. It's not necessarily any easier to force myself to exercise every day just because I'm not working.

Two weeks of sabbatical down ... 10 to go ... not a bad feeling!