Preparing for silence

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a quiet person.... probably just the opposite. So, why on earth am I going on a week long silent retreat? I'm not sure I can fully explain it, but I'll try.

Over the past 2 years, I have desired to focus more on listening to God. I haven't always made time for it like I should, so I wanted to spend a week of my sabbatical focusing specifically on this. Two women in my church, whom I greatly admire, have spent time at this retreat center (which, did I mention?, is right on the beach!) and have found it amazing, if not life changing. I'm just really curious what God might have to say to me -- and so I want to make time for it. I don't know any other time in my life when I would take a whole week to just go and be in silence -- so I figured sabbatical was it!

Plus, I'm excited about the challenge. Sure, I don't think I could do a silent retreat if I were going to some boring, ugly place with a bunch of my friends ... but I won't know any one at St. Mary's by the Sea, and a week at the beach -- well, I think this might just be possible. (And each day I will meet with a spiritual director -- one of the nuns -- to talk about what is happening, so I will talk a bit each day.)

I also have a lot of things swirling within me -- spiritually, personally, and professionally. I don't know where any of these things are exactly leading, but I really believe that God has a lot to say to me this coming week, so I hope I can take it all in. I truly believe this is coming at a perfect time for me to just relax and listen.

I've decided not to blog or facebook or such while on my retreat, so we'll see if I can manage. I'll be sure to give you a full report when I return ... that is, if I feel like talking!:)

Defining success

Tonight I hosted one of my favorite people, Sandy Smoker, at my house for supper. Sandy & met 2 years ago at a leadership retreat. We have become good friends over the past 2 years, getting together monthly. Sandy is an HR director and is 12 years older than me. We have different life experiences which adds so much to our already natural compatibility.

Sandy asked a question tonight that is interesting to ponder: "How do we determine success in life?" It may be in parenting, marriage, career, a sermon, a pie, a clean house, a new outfit ... but how do we decide if we are successful? And who decides that? Sandy and I have discussed before that one nice thing about being students was that we were constantly getting evaluative feedback, and since both of us were/are good students, it was a constant feeling of success. But now, how do we define success? I don't know -- yet I know it is still important -- at least for me.

Yesterday, before preaching at University Mennonite Church in State College (where I attended from 1996-98 while in grad school), I saw Todd Davis (a former colleague of mine at Goshen College. Todd is an English professor at Penn State now and a really good guy. I was surprised to see his family there, as I didn't know he was now teaching at PSU). After my sermon, Todd and his wife came up to me and Todd said, "You are an amazing preacher! You have really found your calling. When you left teaching at GC, I was really sad, because I thought, 'she's such a good teacher and this isn't the best thing for the students' ... but now that I see what you are doing and why you left, this is definitely the right thing for you to be doing." Then he told me, "Dave Miller (the former pastor at UMC) is a really good preacher ... but I would say, you are just as good as he is." To me, that was a huge compliment, as I know what a good preacher Dave is.

Todd's words of affirmation were very genuine and sincere. And they meant a lot to me. Maybe that's why yesterday I felt such a strong sense of emotion in my role as pastor. It felt good to preach again, to be in a public role, to be in leadership, having had 3 weeks off. Yet, there are many days in my pastoral work, that I don't know if I did anything valuable. I find during my sabbatical, so many of my "to do" list projects are "product-producing," meaning, I have a tangible ending product: baking bread, stripping my back stairway, getting my photo albums up-to-date. These are all things that I enjoy doing, but I am realizing that I'm enjoying them even more right now as I can see concrete results (and thus, some success.) How do we continue to find success is our lives -- even if we don't have tangible markers for that? And how will I continue to find time for tangible, product-producing projects when I return to pastoring full time?

Just a delightfully perfect day

I try to get together with my mentor/friend, Mim Book, as often as possible. It usually is every 2-3 months. We typically each drive half-way and meet at a restaurant. Today I told her I would drive to her home, since I have more time these days with sabbatical. She lives about 1 1/2 hours away. I arrived at her home around 10:15am and we had a wonderful visit until 12:45pm. We laughed, talked, shared deeply, and encouraged each other. Mim has been such a wonderful support and inspiration in my life. As I was with her today, I wondered if I can be such a role model for younger women in the way that Mim is for me. How do we create those relationships or do they just happen?

After thoroughly enjoying my time with Mim, I went shopping at Macy's and got some fantastic deals (clearance racks rock ... plus coupons ... and gift cards!), then got my favorites at Trader Joe's (multigrain pita chips and multigrain pancake mix), and then met my good friend, Stevie Kriss, at California Pizza Kitchen. I've NEVER eaten there before! We had a great time and after our late lunch, went to IKEA. I wisely went on the IKEA website earlier this week and made a list of what I wanted. I was so proud of myself -- I spent less that $52 at IKEA!! Plus, shopping with Stevie was fun too.

I drove home to Lancaster and as I drove home realized what an absolutely fantastic day I had. Sure, some of it had to do with shopping at my favorite stores (I won't deny that), but most of it had to do with spending time with really good friends -- the kind that know you so well, you don't have to explain things ... and you can just laugh and laugh together about stupid things. And yet, they push you on things that you yourself are sometimes scared to consider. And most of all, they love you for exactly who you are. If that doesn't bring joy to our lives ... well, then, nothing else will! Today I give thanks for the deep joy of friendships.

A day of errands

Today I was a bit lonely. I was proud of myself for getting up at a good hour and going for a robust 2 mile walk. Today was a day of errand running -- getting the brakes checked at Midas (which were in good shape, thank goodness!), Target, Wal-Mart, grocery store, ATM, etc. It felt good to get a lot crossed off my to do list, but I also find that my challenge is when I do such errands, I spend money. I'm not necessarily saying I spend tons of money -- and it's all stuff that is acceptable and somewhat necessary (today it was toilet paper, vitamins, red yeast rice capsules, a lamp for my living room, pencil case, glue, cleaning supplies, Turkey Hill iced tea, 2 t-shirts) ... but when I'm not busy with work, I can find myself spending money. I have wondered how I would feel if I were in a marriage & didn't work outside of the home, but still spent money ... I'm feeling that a bit these days, even though I'm still making money. So this evening, I went to work on my back stairway -- my paint stripping project keeps me busy (and slightly frustrated) but I like seeing the progress, even if I'm not sure it will turn out exactly how I hope.

Sabbatical thoughts

My congregation is so generous ... after 4 years of ministry, I have been granted a 3 month sabbatical. I have just completed the first 2 weeks and have learned a number of things already:

1. Waking up on Sunday mornings is totally different as a pastor than a regular church attender.
2. Saturdays are also totally different as a pastor than a regular church attender (and this goes for those weeks that I'm not preaching too.)
3. I was surprised that I missed my own church service this Sunday morning ... even though I was looking forward to experiencing some new worship settings during sabbatical.
4. It is a real gift to be able to be away from home for 10 days and then look forward to coming home WITHOUT having to return to work immediately.
5. I'm not sure I could be happy without having a career outside of the home (yet I sure do enjoy having time to do projects around the house, meet friends for lunch, and hanging out with my nieces/nephews and friends.)
6. It's not necessarily any easier to force myself to exercise every day just because I'm not working.

Two weeks of sabbatical down ... 10 to go ... not a bad feeling!